Many of my discussions are centered around someone who has a real issue or bone to pick with someone else.
我的很多讨论都以那些与他人有纠纷或对他人不满的人为中心
And I’ll listen and I’ll listen and I’ll listen because a lot of times people just want to feel understood.
我总是倾听 倾听 还是倾听 因为多数时候人们只是希望别人能懂自己
But then when they’re finished feeling understood they feel like they’ve had a shoulder to cry on.
等他们感觉被理解以后 就会觉得找到了人哭诉
I will always ask the question, “I wonder why Jim would have said that? Or I wonder why Gail feels that way?”
我总是会问这样一个问题：“我想知道为什么吉姆会那么说？或者我想知道为什么盖尔会有那种感觉？”

And the person will usually say something like, “Well I have no idea, I’m not Jim.”
倾诉的人总会说“我怎么知道 我又不是吉姆”
And I’ll say, “Well no, I understand that. But if I think about Jim I wonder what motivates him?”
我会说“嗯 也是 可是我一想到吉姆 就会想是什么促使他那样的？”
And if I can start a discussion like that more often than not people will say “Well, you know,
如果我能以这种方式展开讨论 十有八九人们会说“你知道
he was pretty depressed over that issue last year or she got passed over for that promotion so maybe she’s still feeling defensive about that.”
他去年因为那件事变得很沮丧或她没有升职 可能心里还挺介怀的吧”
And it’s my way of not manipulation at all but helping someone gently but directly start to see things from another’s perspective.
我的方法就是不要去操控他们 而是温和地帮助他们 直接从另一个人的角度去看待问题
And that leads into helping them try to understand what someone’s intent is.
这有助于帮他们理解另一个人的目的是什么
And when we can get that type of a conversation going it’s not always easy
一旦我们开始了这种对话 这并非易事
but it becomes easier to start to assume maybe that everyone doesn’t have it out for you or bad intent.
但它会让人更容易明白别人并不是故意找你茬或者对你图谋不轨
But in general people have good intent.
总体来说 人都是善意的
When people have emotions that are high – whether they’re high because they’re frustrated or whether they’re high because they’re happy –
当人们情绪激动时 不管是因为沮丧还是高兴而变得情绪激动
first and foremost they just want to be understood.
最重要的就是他们渴望被理解
And we listen, through what the late Dr. Stephen R. Covey used to say, we listen through this autobiographical lens.
当我们倾听的时候 根据已故史蒂芬·R·柯维医生的说法 我们都是从倾诉人的角度倾听
And then we have this autobiographical response.
于是我们就会从倾诉人的角度去回应
So we listen with the intent to reply, not to understand.
所以我们听是为了回应 而不是理解
But the most effective people and therefore the most successful influential people they listen with the intent to understand.
但是最有效从而也是最成功的具有影响力的人都是带着理解的目的去倾听的
So reflective listening, and this is nothing new but boy it’s new to practice it because everybody reads about it, hears about it and yet I see them not model it.
所以反应性聆听 这种观念由来已久 但却缺乏实施 因为有很多人读到过 听说过 我却从未见他们应用过
And I’ll tell you modeling it is magic.
我想说应用这种方法如同魔法一般
When someone says to me, “Gosh, I can’t believe that they put that policy out.
有人跟我说“天啊 真不敢相信他们竟然颁布了这种政策
I’m so frustrated with this thing and blah, blah, blah, blah.”
我真是太失望了等等等等”
I will listen, listen, listen and all I will say and it’s not manipulative, it’s just because I want to understand I’ll say, “It sounds like you’re pretty frustrated with the policy.”
我会聆听 聆听 一直听着 然后我会说 这并不是一种技巧 而是我真的想理解他们 我会说“听起来你对这项政策很失望啊”
“Well yeah, I am because…” and then they’ll go on for five minutes or 20 more minutes.
“没错 因为” 他们会接着说5分钟 甚至是半小时
And they’ll finish that and I’ll just comment, “So it seems like it’s really got you considering maybe a change in your career.”
等他们说完以后 我会说“貌似你真的在考虑要换种职业生涯了”
I’m making this up. But you do reflective listening, take the time to do it you will start to get to the heart of the real issue.
这个例子是我编的 但是当你反应性聆听时 要慢慢来 最终一定会找到事物的核心本质
And 90 percent of the time it’s not in this case the policy. It’s something way underneath.
有90%的情况并不是本例中的政策问题 而是一些更深层次的东西
And all I had to do was listen and reflect back to the person what I’m hearing them say and what I’m thinking they’re feeling.
我所做的就是聆听然后将我听到的和我认为他们的感受回归到他们身上
There is a time then for clarifying questions. Not probing. Not prying.
然后就是明确问题了 不要查问 也不要窥探
Not trying to judge or agree or disagree, but saying, “So, am I clear in understanding that you think the policy is wrong because of such and such?”
不要评判 也不要同意或否定 而是说“你觉得这项政策不合适 因为这个那个 我理解的对吗？”
That’s a clarifying question.
这就是明确问题
Or “If I understand you correctly that you believe Joe has taken more vacation than anybody else in the department?”
或者“你觉得乔比部门里的任何人休假都要多 我理解的对吗？”
That’s a clarifying question.
这就是明确问题
It’s not you’re agreeing or disagreeing. You’re not prying into or trying to figure somebody out.
你并不是在同意或否定他们的观点 也不是在窥探或试图让某人明白些什么
You’re just trying to clarify and understand.
你只是在明确问题并理解它们
It’s like giving someone psychological air or oxygen if you will.
就像是在给某人心理空气或氧气 这么说也行
And when we take the time to do that we actually start to resolve things much quicker than if we jump in ahead of it and try to resolve it without knowing what's the heart of the issue.
如果我们花时间这么做 那么解决问题的速度远比直接跳过它 不知道问题的核心是什么要快