Seems there's been a lot of discussion lately about comfort animals.
似乎最近人们都在讨论安慰动物
Do you know what these are?
你知道安慰动物是什么吗
If you don't know what comfort animals are,
如果你不知道的话
they're animals that provide emotional support to people who are dealing with anxiety.
安慰动物能够给那些处于焦虑中的人们以情感上的支撑
It's like medical marijuana on a leash. That's what it is.
就像医用大麻解禁一样 就这个
Now, how it works is you get a certificate from your therapist,
你要从医生那里拿到证明
and then you're allowed to take your animal anywhere, everywhere even on an airplane. Right?
然后就可以带着你的安慰动物去任何地方 包括上飞机
Now, I understand that bringing a comfort dog on a flight might help you relax.
我能理解 带安慰宠物上飞机也许能帮你放松

But I'm not sure if it will help your anxiety when you realize that
但我不能确定的是 如果你发现
everyone else on the plane hates you.
飞机上的每个人都讨厌你的话你还能不能那么放松
And it's not just dogs.
安慰宠物不仅仅是狗而已
Because a few months ago, a woman on a U.S. Airways Flight was famously kicked off the plane
因为就在几个月前一件事传的沸沸扬扬 一位女士乘坐美联航的飞机时
when her emotional support pig refused to stop squealing and defecated in the cabin.
因为其“精神支柱”的宠物猪不停鸣叫并在机舱内大便而被赶下飞机
Yeah, honestly. Pigs can fly?
说真的 猪也能飞
Because if pigs can fly, I better call Sarah Kauffman from 11th grade.
如果猪能飞的话 我要给11楼的萨拉·考夫曼打电话了
Because it looks like I'm taking her to prom after all.
因为我想带她去参加毕业舞会
I mean the truth is, they already make a pig that comforts you. It's called bacon. Right?
实际上 猪已经能在另一方面安慰你了 就是培根
Comfort animals started as a good idea but it's clearly spiraling out of control.
安慰宠物本身是一个好主意 但很明显这事儿目前已经失去控制了
I don't know if you saw this but there was a huge piece in Sunday's New York Times
不知道你们注意到没有 周日的纽约时报用大篇幅报道了
about the growing phenomenon of comfort animals at college.
大学安慰宠物的发展现状
Universities are receiving requests for guinea pigs, ferrets, lizards,
各学校接到要把几内亚猪 雪貂 蜥蜴带进学校的申请
and some of these students are even bringing tarantulas as comfort animals.
还有学生想养狼蛛作安慰宠物
I know. Now, here's a rule that we should all follow.
这些我能理解 但我们都必须遵循一个基本准则
You can't have a comfort animal that's also a Halloween decoration.
你不能拿万圣节的装饰品来做安慰宠物
We could agree on that, right, guys? Can't we?
这一点我们应该可以达成共识的吧 不是吗
But where is this going to end?
但这事儿怎样才能结束呢
I'll tell you. It never ends because eventually you're going to need a comfort hawk
我告诉你们吧 这事儿永远不会结束 如果你室友养了狼蛛作安慰宠物的话
to feel at ease around your roommates comfort tarantula.
你必须要养一只鹰才能放心
Then someone else needs a comfort hyena to feel OK around your comfort hawk.
那别人就要养土狼
It's the comfort circle of life which is Disneys less successful franchise.
最后就会形成一个安慰生态链 而这些是迪士尼都没有得到过的特权
Not as popular but still a good movie.
拍出来的话应该不怎么会受欢迎 但应该是部好电影
Now, it's very hard. And I understand.
我知道生活很艰难
Anxiety is a terrible thing, but you're in college.
焦虑很可怕 但你是大学生了
Go to a party, make friends.
去参加聚会啊 去交朋友啊
And when you do feel anxiety, just do what the rest of us did.
感到焦虑的时候 学学别人是怎么应对的
Call your parents, tell them everything's going great
给父母打电话 告诉他们一切安好
even though you're holding back tears
忍住眼泪
because you secretly miss home, hang up, cry,
就算想家也要这么做 挂掉电话 大哭一场
and then masturbate before your roommate gets home.
趁着室友还没回来打个飞机
And it's much easier to do that when you don't have a pig in the corner judging you.
身边没有安慰猪审视着你的时候 这样做会轻松许多
I speak from experience on that.
这是我的经验之谈